2010 Manicfesto
Enough is enough! For decades now most of our MP's have been lining their own
pockets with Expense claims by stealing, yes STEALING, public cash. Most spend
their time trying to get on as many commercial boards as possible to supplements
their income. All the while they claim, under a pretence that this is good for
us and good for the country. This behaviour should and MUST not be tolerated any
more. Had any member of the public entertained such action they would have had
all the might of the British legal system thrown at them for Fraud, deception and
being a downright nasty bastard. Imagine a party that has over 70% of its
manifesto pledges suggested by the public. That's right the people that actually
vote and want to have faith in our democratic system, actually having their say!
This party is the Official Monster Raving Loony Party.
Many policies upon first glance are surest or taking the piss. This stance has been
purposely taken as it best reflects the stance of the so-called proper parties that
for decades have been treating the general public with contempt.
Until such a time that a None of the Above box is put on the ballot paper,
there is the Monster Raving Loony Party.
Enough is enough. spare NO expense and kick the politicians where it hurts...
In the Ballot Box.
TRANSPORT
All cars will be converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion. As there is not a regular bus route that goes between Walton, Esher and Molesey, we propose to build a Water log flume & Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centres. Oyster cards will be renamed Sardine cards to better reflect the experience such as that of the 411 bus service.
All speed cameras will be abolished and replaced by a new device fitted to your cars which will automatically slow down to the speed limit when driven though an infra-red beam. This will also apply to police cars; their device will be set to 5 mph though built up areas. We will only paint lines on the roads where you can park thus saving a fortune of tax payer's money.
The number 13 will be abolished due to its longstanding unpopularity. The bus to Acton North will now not have a number on it but not much else will be affected. Therefore if you see a bus with no number on it will be going to Acton North please remember this for future reference.
One pedestrian is knocked down every 15 minutes in the United Kingdom and he's getting fed up with it. We intend to triple the width of all pavements to make our roads safer.
There are major problems with our roads, potholes are appearing almost overnight on a weekly basis... We will look into them.
All cars will be converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion. As there is not a regular bus route that goes between Walton, Esher and Molesey, we propose to build a Water log flume & Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centres. Oyster cards will be renamed Sardine cards to better reflect the experience such as that of the 411 bus service.
All speed cameras will be abolished and replaced by a new device fitted to your cars which will automatically slow down to the speed limit when driven though an infra-red beam. This will also apply to police cars; their device will be set to 5 mph though built up areas. We will only paint lines on the roads where you can park thus saving a fortune of tax payer's money.
The number 13 will be abolished due to its longstanding unpopularity. The bus to Acton North will now not have a number on it but not much else will be affected. Therefore if you see a bus with no number on it will be going to Acton North please remember this for future reference.
One pedestrian is knocked down every 15 minutes in the United Kingdom and he's getting fed up with it. We intend to triple the width of all pavements to make our roads safer.
There are major problems with our roads, potholes are appearing almost overnight on a weekly basis... We will look into them.
LAW & ORDER
To curb the rising Anti social behaviour we propose to resurrect the old pastime of the Stocks. These will be set up in all local parks and will have a wheelie bin full of ripened tomatoes, supplied by local farmers and allotment owners. Duration in the stock will depend upon the crime committed for example graffiti vandalism will be 5 hours. Stocks were used in medieval times to curb the anti social behaviour's of the time. We proposed to invoke the Act of 1405, which is still on statute books, whereby a Village will be downgraded to a mere hamlet, should there not be any public stocks. We will also bring back capital punishment in the form of the Gallows (see Political Reform).
Policemen & Women will need to pound the beat and say 'hello hello hello'. This will treble the police force. Sleeping policemen will be sent home to sleep in their beds like everyone else.
Relocation of litterbins to be put insight of CCTV cameras & Litterbugs and Kerb crawlies will be heavily fined or put in the stocks.
To curb the rising Anti social behaviour we propose to resurrect the old pastime of the Stocks. These will be set up in all local parks and will have a wheelie bin full of ripened tomatoes, supplied by local farmers and allotment owners. Duration in the stock will depend upon the crime committed for example graffiti vandalism will be 5 hours. Stocks were used in medieval times to curb the anti social behaviour's of the time. We proposed to invoke the Act of 1405, which is still on statute books, whereby a Village will be downgraded to a mere hamlet, should there not be any public stocks. We will also bring back capital punishment in the form of the Gallows (see Political Reform).
Policemen & Women will need to pound the beat and say 'hello hello hello'. This will treble the police force. Sleeping policemen will be sent home to sleep in their beds like everyone else.
Relocation of litterbins to be put insight of CCTV cameras & Litterbugs and Kerb crawlies will be heavily fined or put in the stocks.
POLITICAL SLEAZE & REFORM
In the event of a 'hung' parliament, we will introduce a new reality show 'Big Ben Bongs'. This will involve the 10 worst performing MP's being up for public vote each week. The MP with the most votes/expenses will then be publically hung. This policy will encourage our MP's to actually do the job they were entrusted to carry out as well as discouraging prospective MP's from using the system to get on as many company boards as they can during their 5 years in office.
Never mind the money : Every year the Prime Minister should be tarred and feathered, this will make the job much less appealing and will hopefully lead to short term office for power-hungry PMs.
Privatisation.
When nationalised or Government owned industries are privatised the shares are sold to those who can then afford to buy them. This system is wrong as we have all contributed via our taxes to the business in question so some of us are in effect paying twice whilst others get nothing. It is proposed that any business being privatised in which the Government has an interest should have its shares divided equally to every person on the electoral register FREE.
Every region shall hold a gala. The only criteria specified shall be that Councillors will be held in stocks while the electorate throw custard pies eggs, rotten tomatoes at them. This will allow them to regain their humility. More Regions will be created so that more Councillors can be humiliated.
Due to the massive increases which MP's seem to vote for themselves it is proposed that:
As the party that got the voting age reduced from 21 to 18, we fully support the campaign allowing 16 & 17 year olds to enter the political voting system. At present they can decide to leave school, join the armed forces, and claim benefits but currently, they have no say in the running of the country, which after all will hopefully have longer future effects on them than the rest of us. http://www.votesatl6.org.uk
We will prepare 16 & 17 year olds for the experience of voting by taking our 'Practice Polling Booth' to the streets of Elmbridge, Kingston & Surbiton. This will also give people who don't usually vote the chance to do so, as well as seasonal voters who just want to ...er ...practice.
In the event of a 'hung' parliament, we will introduce a new reality show 'Big Ben Bongs'. This will involve the 10 worst performing MP's being up for public vote each week. The MP with the most votes/expenses will then be publically hung. This policy will encourage our MP's to actually do the job they were entrusted to carry out as well as discouraging prospective MP's from using the system to get on as many company boards as they can during their 5 years in office.
Never mind the money : Every year the Prime Minister should be tarred and feathered, this will make the job much less appealing and will hopefully lead to short term office for power-hungry PMs.
Privatisation.
When nationalised or Government owned industries are privatised the shares are sold to those who can then afford to buy them. This system is wrong as we have all contributed via our taxes to the business in question so some of us are in effect paying twice whilst others get nothing. It is proposed that any business being privatised in which the Government has an interest should have its shares divided equally to every person on the electoral register FREE.
Every region shall hold a gala. The only criteria specified shall be that Councillors will be held in stocks while the electorate throw custard pies eggs, rotten tomatoes at them. This will allow them to regain their humility. More Regions will be created so that more Councillors can be humiliated.
Due to the massive increases which MP's seem to vote for themselves it is proposed that:
- A. All MP's should have to sign on at the local Employment Office and provide
evidence that they have been doing some work.
- B. All MP's should be paid by the Social Security Office via a giro in the
Post. Then we shall see how they like being short changed and paid three weeks
late.
As the party that got the voting age reduced from 21 to 18, we fully support the campaign allowing 16 & 17 year olds to enter the political voting system. At present they can decide to leave school, join the armed forces, and claim benefits but currently, they have no say in the running of the country, which after all will hopefully have longer future effects on them than the rest of us. http://www.votesatl6.org.uk
We will prepare 16 & 17 year olds for the experience of voting by taking our 'Practice Polling Booth' to the streets of Elmbridge, Kingston & Surbiton. This will also give people who don't usually vote the chance to do so, as well as seasonal voters who just want to ...er ...practice.
HOME AFFAIRS
Keep Britain Tidy
People caught littering will be punished by being picked up by a large pair of forceps (The claw shaped grabbing devices used by park attendants) and dropped into the nearest landfill site. (Which will be relocated to their back yard)
Firemen to be given 'Stop and Search' privileges. All single women are allowed to Stop and Search a Fireman.
To curb the rising Anti social behaviour we propose to resurrect the Old pastime of the Stocks. These will be set up in all local parks and will have a wheelie bin full of ripened tomatoes, supplied by local farmers and allotment owners. Duration in the stock will depend upon the crime committed for example graffiti vandalism will be 5 hours. Stocks were used in medieval times to curb the anti social behaviour's of the time. We proposed to invoke the Act of 1405 which is still on statute books today whereby a Village will be downgraded to a mere hamlet, should there not be any public stocks.
Did you know that at present Water Companies charge Businesses for the rainwater that fails on their premises and then goes down the drain?
It is proposed that this practice is stopped and that metered businesses be given a rebate for saving the Water companies from having to build more reservoirs. This would also apply to residential properties that can no longer get Flood Insurance. Also why do we have to pay (or get taken to court) months in advance for Water Rates. Our employers don't pay us in advance neither do we stock up on water for a rainy day.
The biannual changing of the clocks will be made into a weekly ritual. Clocks will go forward on a Monday at 2pm to reduce the drudgery of the day. They will then be moved back at 8pm on a Friday thus creating an additional hour to pursue leisure activities.
Residents of Walton will, upon settling down to sleep, be required to call out to their neighbours ''Night John-boy, Mary-Ellen, Jim-bob'' etc to promote good neighbourhood values.
Dog owners who allow their dogs to foul our pavements without clearing it up will have their noses rubbed in said foul to prevent further occurrence. Persistent offenders will be treated to a spell in the stocks on Anti social grounds.
We would like to know what budget does the government set aside for the purchase of shredding machines?
St. Georges day will be made a National Holiday.
In memory of Lord Sutch we feel that it is about time that his key question was answered, “Why is there only one Monopolies commissioners"?
All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one.
Keep Britain Tidy
People caught littering will be punished by being picked up by a large pair of forceps (The claw shaped grabbing devices used by park attendants) and dropped into the nearest landfill site. (Which will be relocated to their back yard)
Firemen to be given 'Stop and Search' privileges. All single women are allowed to Stop and Search a Fireman.
To curb the rising Anti social behaviour we propose to resurrect the Old pastime of the Stocks. These will be set up in all local parks and will have a wheelie bin full of ripened tomatoes, supplied by local farmers and allotment owners. Duration in the stock will depend upon the crime committed for example graffiti vandalism will be 5 hours. Stocks were used in medieval times to curb the anti social behaviour's of the time. We proposed to invoke the Act of 1405 which is still on statute books today whereby a Village will be downgraded to a mere hamlet, should there not be any public stocks.
Did you know that at present Water Companies charge Businesses for the rainwater that fails on their premises and then goes down the drain?
It is proposed that this practice is stopped and that metered businesses be given a rebate for saving the Water companies from having to build more reservoirs. This would also apply to residential properties that can no longer get Flood Insurance. Also why do we have to pay (or get taken to court) months in advance for Water Rates. Our employers don't pay us in advance neither do we stock up on water for a rainy day.
The biannual changing of the clocks will be made into a weekly ritual. Clocks will go forward on a Monday at 2pm to reduce the drudgery of the day. They will then be moved back at 8pm on a Friday thus creating an additional hour to pursue leisure activities.
Residents of Walton will, upon settling down to sleep, be required to call out to their neighbours ''Night John-boy, Mary-Ellen, Jim-bob'' etc to promote good neighbourhood values.
Dog owners who allow their dogs to foul our pavements without clearing it up will have their noses rubbed in said foul to prevent further occurrence. Persistent offenders will be treated to a spell in the stocks on Anti social grounds.
We would like to know what budget does the government set aside for the purchase of shredding machines?
St. Georges day will be made a National Holiday.
In memory of Lord Sutch we feel that it is about time that his key question was answered, “Why is there only one Monopolies commissioners"?
All socks to be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one.
NITTY GRITTY STUFF
To avoid nit stigma in the playground collecting nits should became a 'craze' whereby 'Collect 'em all!' Nit Cards can be filled in at home, celebrating the ridding of 10, 20, 30... nits. The more nits the child's parents can get out the higher up the popularity ladder the child will go. Or compulsory head shaving for all boys and girls aged up to 11.
Bring back the Nit Nurse and a Nit Doctor for the teachers - with free Indian Head Massage for those with clear heads.
Nit picking lessons to be part of pre-natal classes and free Nit comb in every Bounty Pack given to new mums. All Mums and Dads who can't see Nits to go and get glasses.
It should be compulsory for all parents to get their NITs out at least once a week.
To avoid nit stigma in the playground collecting nits should became a 'craze' whereby 'Collect 'em all!' Nit Cards can be filled in at home, celebrating the ridding of 10, 20, 30... nits. The more nits the child's parents can get out the higher up the popularity ladder the child will go. Or compulsory head shaving for all boys and girls aged up to 11.
Bring back the Nit Nurse and a Nit Doctor for the teachers - with free Indian Head Massage for those with clear heads.
Nit picking lessons to be part of pre-natal classes and free Nit comb in every Bounty Pack given to new mums. All Mums and Dads who can't see Nits to go and get glasses.
It should be compulsory for all parents to get their NITs out at least once a week.
EDUCATION
We pledge to reduce class sizes by making the pupils sit closer to one another and issuing them with smaller desks.
Any MP whose constituency sells off a school playing field for development will be required to relinquish their own back garden as a replacement sports facility for the school.
Anyone using American spelling should be made to carry a very large copy of the Oxford English Dictionary around with them for a week.
We pledge to reduce class sizes by making the pupils sit closer to one another and issuing them with smaller desks.
Any MP whose constituency sells off a school playing field for development will be required to relinquish their own back garden as a replacement sports facility for the school.
Anyone using American spelling should be made to carry a very large copy of the Oxford English Dictionary around with them for a week.
ENTERTAINMENT
More Live free music was one of our election pledges last time around and it is somewhat of a surprise (especially to us) that we managed to keep this pledge in Molesey. Every Friday in the local loony HQ quality musicians have been entertaining the masses to much acclaim.
The Boat Race - The course will be extended so that the crews have to navigate Molesey Lock. Obviously this may harm their race times so we propose to aid them by reversing the flow of the River Thames. We will also investigate why the same two teams seem to reach the final every year.
Supporting Manchester United PLC.com© TM will become an illegal offence for people born south of Crewe.
We will set up an enquiry as to why the sound goes up during the advert breaks on your TV.
More Live free music was one of our election pledges last time around and it is somewhat of a surprise (especially to us) that we managed to keep this pledge in Molesey. Every Friday in the local loony HQ quality musicians have been entertaining the masses to much acclaim.
The Boat Race - The course will be extended so that the crews have to navigate Molesey Lock. Obviously this may harm their race times so we propose to aid them by reversing the flow of the River Thames. We will also investigate why the same two teams seem to reach the final every year.
Supporting Manchester United PLC.com© TM will become an illegal offence for people born south of Crewe.
We will set up an enquiry as to why the sound goes up during the advert breaks on your TV.
ECONOMY
Our team of experts has decided that Income Tax has not proved popular with the public and will therefore be abolished. It was started in order to finance the Napoleonic war in 1799 and we now believe that the time is right to announce the cessation of hostilities with Napoleon. Some of the money left in the coffers will be used to fill in our part of the Channel Tunnel in case no one has mentioned it to the French.
Any remaining money will be strategically placed on a horse at the 3-30 at Sandown Park at odds of at least 12/1 in order to see us through until the next election. Income Tax will be officially replaced by people lending the government a bob or two at the end of the week when we're a bit skint.
We will issue a 99p coin to save on change. The Official Monster Raving Loony Party will not join the single European currency. We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.
Banks will be charged for looking after overdrafts.
National Insurance contributions will be slashed to 4% for both employees and employers. We will take the rather radical step of only using this money for what it was originally introduced for... the NHS
Our team of experts has decided that Income Tax has not proved popular with the public and will therefore be abolished. It was started in order to finance the Napoleonic war in 1799 and we now believe that the time is right to announce the cessation of hostilities with Napoleon. Some of the money left in the coffers will be used to fill in our part of the Channel Tunnel in case no one has mentioned it to the French.
Any remaining money will be strategically placed on a horse at the 3-30 at Sandown Park at odds of at least 12/1 in order to see us through until the next election. Income Tax will be officially replaced by people lending the government a bob or two at the end of the week when we're a bit skint.
We will issue a 99p coin to save on change. The Official Monster Raving Loony Party will not join the single European currency. We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.
Banks will be charged for looking after overdrafts.
National Insurance contributions will be slashed to 4% for both employees and employers. We will take the rather radical step of only using this money for what it was originally introduced for... the NHS
ENVIROMENT
Dog owners who allow their dogs to foul our pavements without clearing it up will have their noses rubbed in said foul to prevent further occurrence. All new dog food produced will contain harmless fluorescence which will aid detection of any night time foul offence. Persistent offenders will be treated to a spell in the stocks on antisocial grounds.
Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population while Fox hunting will be re introduced under the ''one fox - one dog'' policy to make it a bit fairer.
All houses built on flood planes will have foundations made of sponge, in order to soak up surplus water and all people that think that they have a right to roam will need permission from the Pope.
Dog owners who allow their dogs to foul our pavements without clearing it up will have their noses rubbed in said foul to prevent further occurrence. All new dog food produced will contain harmless fluorescence which will aid detection of any night time foul offence. Persistent offenders will be treated to a spell in the stocks on antisocial grounds.
Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population while Fox hunting will be re introduced under the ''one fox - one dog'' policy to make it a bit fairer.
All houses built on flood planes will have foundations made of sponge, in order to soak up surplus water and all people that think that they have a right to roam will need permission from the Pope.
IMMIGRATION
Everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made welcome so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both parents.
Asylum seekers will be helped out by making the Asylums better signposted.
Everyone wanting to come and live in the UK will be made welcome so long as they are over the age of 85 and accompanied by both parents.
Asylum seekers will be helped out by making the Asylums better signposted.
DEFENCE
The war in Iraq has left their infrastructure in a somewhat dilapidated state. We propose to correct this by sending over the traffic wardens on a six month secondments to sort out the number of illegally parked trucks jeeps and tanks. This will give motorists over here a six month amnesty. We will introduce a Community Street warning bell to alert 'normal' people that the remaining ones are approaching and will introduce fines for people who park across driveways, corners, bridges and emergency service access areas. Traffic wardens will also be re-named Dick Turpin because, let's face it, it's daylight robbery.
All WMD's (weapons of Mass Distraction) will be made highly visible so that we can find them.
Any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the country by themselves.
The war in Iraq has left their infrastructure in a somewhat dilapidated state. We propose to correct this by sending over the traffic wardens on a six month secondments to sort out the number of illegally parked trucks jeeps and tanks. This will give motorists over here a six month amnesty. We will introduce a Community Street warning bell to alert 'normal' people that the remaining ones are approaching and will introduce fines for people who park across driveways, corners, bridges and emergency service access areas. Traffic wardens will also be re-named Dick Turpin because, let's face it, it's daylight robbery.
All WMD's (weapons of Mass Distraction) will be made highly visible so that we can find them.
Any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the country by themselves.
Please note that anyone is welcome to put forward policy proposals for consideration. If you have a proposal email us at: admin@loonyparty.info
